Tag Archives: single

Becoming a Young Lady: How I Handled My Daughter’s Transformation

5 Jul

It’s been several years since my last post.  Various events in my life have led me to have little to virtually no time for myself, all of which I could have blogged about and they would have been great stories, however, I’ve tried dedicating what little time I do have to my children.  With that being said, my comeback post relates to my now 11 year old daughter and the dreaded step closer to becoming a woman.girls-on-their-period_o_2073325

Yes, you read correctly, how can I say it more clearly without causing alarm, MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER got her period.  I never thought the day would come and yet, like a freak hurricane, IT arrived in full force.  She freaked out, I freaked out and more than anything, my son freaked out. My 8 year old daughter thought it was cute and adorable, I found that a bit disturbing.  She obviously has no idea what monster she’s got coming to her.  Nonetheless, after running around like a crazy lady and “confirming” several times that she had actually started her period, we got dressed and prepared to make our trek to the store to “shop” for her items.  Upon arriving at our local supermarket we made our way to the “feminine products” aisle where I was faced with a plethora of choices for her.  I was lost.  I had no idea what to choose for her.    I know you’re asking yourselves how this is possible since I’m a woman too.  Well, I’m 34 and for the last 20 odd years or so, I have been going to the exact same spot at the supermarket picking out the exact same feminine product, not once paying any mind to the endless other choices.

Anyways, while standing in the aisle scoping out our options, my daughter begins to have a breakdown.  Tears start streaming down her face and she is absolutely mortified at the thought of having to pick out something that is absolutely normal.  Meanwhile, my 8 year old screams out at the top of her lungs, “Mom is that going to happen to me too!”  My poor 11 year old had the most upsetting look on her face.   Of course, I’m not helping the situation by giggling at each option I look at and trying to explain the different pros and cons of each product.  Finally, my sympathy for her kicks in and I help her choose one pack that looks like it is geared towards “preteens”.  My daughter, rightly so, makes me carry the box to the register and she stands as far away from me as possible, as if I’m holding something that presents imminent danger to her life.  So I pay and we walk out of the store and head on home.  In my head, I’m trying to go over HOW I’m going to show her how to use these things, these “feminine pads” and I’m dreading every bit of it.  We arrive at home and my daughter rushes to the restroom, me following behind.  I begin the exhausting process of explaining exactly how this product is to be used and the normality of it all.  I have “the” talk with my daughter about the importance of crossing the little girl to young lady threshold and I stress the importance of being careful in any situation she may be presented with.  I have to remind myself several times that, regardless of her age, her young mindset, HER body has began to transform itself to that of a young lady.

I can’t help but shed a few tears, my little girl is growing up, and dammit I think I handled it pretty damn well.

Torn

8 Jul

Torn_Heart_Wallpaper_Colored_by_silverperfume

One song is all it takes

And I lose my freaking mind.

I think of the good

And I find myself missing you to no end.

I think of the bad

And I find myself pushing you out of my mind.

I long for the days when we were in love

The devotion we had like no other.

Those days were evanescent,

Those days were invigorating.

Although I find myself needing you

I keep thinking to myself

How do I get past this pained desire in my heart,

When all I can do is think about how you ripped me apart.

Uprooting Your Kids May Not Always Be A Good Thing

18 Jun

faith

I know I had promised to write about my struggles as a single mom and it seems as though I haven’t been doing that all.  In fact, I have been doing quite the opposite in writing poems and sharing some photography instead.  But I divert to writing my first blog about a rather recent struggle I had as a single mom and I hope to inspire other women (men) who have gone or are currently going through a situation similar to mine.

So about 3 long years ago I was blessed to have been offered the job I currently have.  I was hired as an AP Clerk at a medium sized car dealership with limited accounting experience, but the person who hired me did so with the intentions of training me into becoming her, a Financial Controller.  During those 3 years there were many ups and down, some write ups for doing a few things incorrectly, some scolding and lectures, and last year leading into the early part of this year was in all honesty the worst.  In November of 2012, after several months of being bashed by my boss and having made a huge mistake at work I decided to quit.  I gave my two week notice, however, because of cash handling I was let go that same day.  Several days later right before Thanksgiving I decided to email my ex-boss and let her know the reason I quit.  Not even a few minutes later my phone rang and my heart literally stopped beating, at least it felt like it did.  It was my boss.  I reluctantly answered the phone and she proceeded to ask me why I quit and if I had thought my decision through.  Well after a few minutes she asked me to go in and meet with her the following day to see about getting my job back.  The following day I went in and was offered my job back, hoping that my boss’s attitude had changed as others had informed me it had.  This was short-lived, for she became her old self within a month and in January 2013 I quit again.  This time there was no two week notice.  I just walked out and never looked back…until a month later, but we will get to that in a bit.

When I quit in January I realized how selfish it was of me.  I found myself with no job in a struggling economy and 3 kids to support.  I unfortunately did what most adults despise doing, I called my mom who lived a couple of hours away and asked if I could stay with her.  So a few weeks later in late January I moved with my mother.  I uprooted my kids, not paying attention to how they would be affected, and moved them to another school.  This was by far the worst decision I made.  Not because I didn’t want to live with my mom, quite the opposite, I love my mother very much.  Actually, the minute my kids started this new school they began to get into trouble.  My youngest was getting SUSPENDED from school!  How does a 5 year manage to get suspended? Did she attack someone with a crayon or some glue??  Nonetheless, my baby girl was kicked out for a day almost every other day.  My son got into his first scuffle ever with another kid.  I have to biased here and mention that my son has NEVER been the type to fight with anyone.  My 8 year old seemed to show no remorse when they had a couple of lock-down situations at the school.  I would need to borrow your hands and feet to count how many times I received phone calls to go pick up my children.  I was at my wits ends.  I would cry on my way to the school and it became downright embarrassing.  All the while I couldn’t find a job and because of having to go to the school constantly I missed several great job interviews.  I had many great prospects all with the same response, “You seem very qualified we will let you know once we interview the other candidates”, and then, no phone call.  This went on for a whole month and when it seemed like I would never find anything the weirdest thing happened, I was offered a great position in that same city, and I received a phone call from my old boss in which I was offered a position to return.  This was by far one of the most difficult decisions I had to make and I literally had to weigh out the pros and cons.  They both pretty much offered the same starting pay, but what swayed my decision was the fact that my kids were not happy with the move to this new city.  They were not comfortable in this new environment, and although I wanted to stay a bit longer with my mom and siblings I knew right away that my kids came first.  So with a heartbreaking decision, I packed up our stuff and moved myself and my children back to my hometown.  With the help of my boss I was able to find a house to rent and she provided me with a sign on bonus that helped with having some startup cash.  I immediately enrolled my kids in school and daycare, which I knew was difficult because this was already their 3rd school in a couple of months.  But, they finished their school year off with awesome grades and no misbehaviors reported.  We were home.

I was offered a higher title, I was finally offered my title of Financial Controller with a bit more pay with a potential for a raise in 3 months, in which I was reviewed and given another raise.  I feel that I am truly blessed even though I encountered several scary bumps along the way.  This is life though.  It will never be smooth sailing.  We just need to know how to stay strong and “keep on truckin” when the going gets bad.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I have learned to not make hasty decisions that will affect my children.  They are the most important people in my life and I am truly grateful for being given a 3rd opportunity to work for the company I do.  This is just another “trial or tribulation” that I can check off as “conquered”.

P.S. In case you are wondering why I haven’t quit a 3rd time, my boss with the crazy attitude quit about a week after I returned.  We have remained friends outside of work and she has become my confidant in many areas of my life.

Love Lost

5 Jun

empty heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love, will you ever find me?

Will I ever find you?

I had you once, I thought I did.

You were masked in a sea of deception,

Affliction, rage and greed.

For the love of my innocents, my angels

I sent you away, shut you out.

My heart was broken

Shattered beyond repair.

My heart was free, my heart is empty

Now I yearn for you once again,

Like a wilting red rose, thirsty for water,

Thirsty for life.

Writing Your Own Autobiography is Difficult

4 Jun

pen-and-notebook

I am not a professional writer, nor a professional blogger.  Actually I’m not very artistic or good at self expression at all.  But I have always wanted to write a book, at least start off with an autobiography.  I don’t consider my life to be too extravagant but I think I have had enough experiences, good and bad, happy and sad to write about.  Starting this blog is my first step at self expression.  I have always been one to keep everything inside.  I rarely let out my emotions and when I do, unfortunately it’s not very pretty.  I think that by beginning to blog it will help me heal some wounds that I have had, wounds that are still open, still feel fresh.  These are wounds from family, wounds from friends, wounds from men, wounds from myself.   Even as I write this post I find it difficult for a feeling inside me, a pain in my heart perhaps, begins to form and tears slowly form in my eyes.  I have started to write this “book” of mine, chapter 1 is in the works but I found myself needing to stop fairly early.  Writing about my childhood means visiting some of those wounds again and reigniting the pain.  I began to write (or type in this case) and quickly  had to stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, think for a bit and start again with some renewed strength.  I think it may take me some time to write this book for I have many areas of my life that I have shut off for certain reasons.  Opening them back up is going to take some time and some careful approach but I think that the time is right.  The time is now.  I need to find some sort of way to forgive myself before I can forgive others.  Then and only then I can move on and write about how I have overcome these obstacles and how I have found new happiness in my life with myself and my children.

Image

Some Words to Live By…

29 May

motherhood%20is%20a%20choice

Days Like These

29 May

hope

It is days like yesterday that make me want to stay in bed forever, just lifting the covers up above my head and saying goodbye to the world.  Days where I dread picking up my daughter at daycare because I am terrified at the look they give me, knowing that she acted like an out of control 5 year old.  She’s 5, how else is she supposed to act?  Maybe my child is still stuck in her terrible two’s, maybe she is being mistreated at the daycare and I just don’t know about it.  Questioning it won’t help because people lie.  When I picked her up yesterday I already knew something was wrong, watching my 5 year old standing there, with her head ducked down and her tiny hands covering her eyes as she began to weep.  I tried getting the story out of her, but she wouldn’t speak to me because she knew she was in trouble?  Even in my calmest voice she refused to utter a single word to me as to how she behaved.  What happened?  Did you misbehave AGAIN?  Why did you misbehave?  Tell mommy.  None of this worked.  So I looked at the lady watching my daughter and even she looked too ashamed to tell me what happened.   So in her weakest voice she tells me, all this in Spanish by the way, “I’m too embarrassed to tell you, but your daughter was throwing rocks at other kids.”  At this point I looked at my daughter, trying to find a way to get the story out of her, mainly just to make it look like I was trying to parent her right then and there in front of the daycare lady.  I do this almost on a regular basis because I’m scared they will tell me she can no longer attend if it doesn’t look like I’m trying to discipline her in front of them.  So I look at the lady with the most “I’m sorry” look I could give her and proceed to walk my daughter out of the daycare, scolding her on the way to the car.  But how do you punish your child for something that happened several hours earlier?  How do you get them to understand WHY they are being punished?  She is 5 and I still don’t remember what I did at the age of 5 so how I can expect my daughter to truly understand why she is being punished?  At this point it seems repetitive, all I can do is talk to her, scold her, explain why she is being punished and proceed to taking away some of her favorite items.  Although it doesn’t seem to work, I really know of nothing else to do.  And it hurts me because at the same time I am supposed to be the “good” parent I have to play the “bad” parent and I’m afraid it will confuse my child, seeing as to how they have no one else to turn to when she is being punished.   So it is days like these in which I would rather become hermit-like and hide from the world.

Because We Are Bored! Seriously???

26 May

Tech___mynet

It never fails.  I’m on my sofa, peacefully watching a juicy episode of Criminal Minds with the ever so handsome Shemar Moore and BAM! All three of my kids walk in asking me for things.  One wants to go to the park, the other wants to go to the store to buy a candy with his $1.00 and the other wants to go visit a friend.  I ask them why all of sudden all three want to go somewhere and what is the response I get “because we are bored”.  Seriously???!!!

So I guess the Xbox is outdated with all 20 to 30 games or so that my son and daughter own?  Not to mention the expanding Xbox Live community that I get to listen to every night (not by choice)  thanks to the blossoming technology of Microsoft and their invention of the Kinect.  Or what about my son’s Kindle?  The abundance of FREE (since when is anything in this world ever free) games that can be downloaded onto his tablet and still they have nothing to do!?  What ever happened to the popularity of the cell phone?  Wasn’t texting the hip thing to do lately?  Isn’t that what kids and teenagers are doing now a days?  Not mine.  I pay for a cell phone that NEVER gets used, but what can I do, I’m stuck with a blood-sucking contract!  Oh, and let’s not forget the internet that so conveniently comes with a laptop!  There is always something interesting to do (blog) on the internet, lately it seems to be watching ridiculous Youtube videos.  But for some odd reason my kids still seem to get bored on a daily basis!  And let’s not forget cable!  Yes we have ALL the channels, which means there is ALWAYS something to watch! But no, my kids are still bored to death regardless of all this technology.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a mom who likes to be locked up in my house all day every day while watching soap operas.  I do make time to take my children out to different places such as parks, museums, the beach, etc.  But geez, as a single mom who does get tired (yes it does happen although I am supposed to be supermom) every once in a while I want to just be able to sit down and enjoy the heart-stopping series Criminal Minds. I mean, which single mom doesn’t enjoy watching Shemar Moore in action!

BLESSED

25 May

Pregnant Stomach

 

BLESSED

 

In the darkness I lay my head,

My pillow wet with tears,

Tears because of you, tears because of me.

I let you hurt me, I knew better.

Eight months with child,

You were nowhere to be found.

In the morning I would wake,

I slept alone.

You slept alone.

What was the point, continuing this charade.

Wasted time, wasted strength.

All for nothing.  All for something. 

You blessed me, with child.

The Absent Parent

25 May

Absent-Fathers

What do you respond to your innocent children when they ask why “daddy” hasn’t called or come to visit them?   I for one  have always replied with the most basic answer “because he is working”.  But is this really what I should be telling my kids’ when the truth is he just doesn’t care?  He doesn’t call, write or visit ever, unless of course he needs something in which case he specifically tells me not to mention him to the kids.  It’s really heartbreaking watching my children, who are oblivious to what’s going on, their tears which bring about feelings inside me that I wish I could get rid of.  Feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, fear and countless others that I’m sure other single parents have experienced plenty of times.   I am at the point in my life where I do not wish to lie to my children anymore.  Yes, they are young, but I do not believe lying to them will benefit them in any way.   Please do not misunderstand me, I do NOT and have never been a “daddy-basher” and I do not intend to do this.  I simply feel that beginning to tell my children the truth about their father is the most efficient way to handle things, I really would like to spare them the heartbreak in the future.

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