Tag Archives: funny

Becoming a Young Lady: How I Handled My Daughter’s Transformation

5 Jul

It’s been several years since my last post.  Various events in my life have led me to have little to virtually no time for myself, all of which I could have blogged about and they would have been great stories, however, I’ve tried dedicating what little time I do have to my children.  With that being said, my comeback post relates to my now 11 year old daughter and the dreaded step closer to becoming a woman.girls-on-their-period_o_2073325

Yes, you read correctly, how can I say it more clearly without causing alarm, MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER got her period.  I never thought the day would come and yet, like a freak hurricane, IT arrived in full force.  She freaked out, I freaked out and more than anything, my son freaked out. My 8 year old daughter thought it was cute and adorable, I found that a bit disturbing.  She obviously has no idea what monster she’s got coming to her.  Nonetheless, after running around like a crazy lady and “confirming” several times that she had actually started her period, we got dressed and prepared to make our trek to the store to “shop” for her items.  Upon arriving at our local supermarket we made our way to the “feminine products” aisle where I was faced with a plethora of choices for her.  I was lost.  I had no idea what to choose for her.    I know you’re asking yourselves how this is possible since I’m a woman too.  Well, I’m 34 and for the last 20 odd years or so, I have been going to the exact same spot at the supermarket picking out the exact same feminine product, not once paying any mind to the endless other choices.

Anyways, while standing in the aisle scoping out our options, my daughter begins to have a breakdown.  Tears start streaming down her face and she is absolutely mortified at the thought of having to pick out something that is absolutely normal.  Meanwhile, my 8 year old screams out at the top of her lungs, “Mom is that going to happen to me too!”  My poor 11 year old had the most upsetting look on her face.   Of course, I’m not helping the situation by giggling at each option I look at and trying to explain the different pros and cons of each product.  Finally, my sympathy for her kicks in and I help her choose one pack that looks like it is geared towards “preteens”.  My daughter, rightly so, makes me carry the box to the register and she stands as far away from me as possible, as if I’m holding something that presents imminent danger to her life.  So I pay and we walk out of the store and head on home.  In my head, I’m trying to go over HOW I’m going to show her how to use these things, these “feminine pads” and I’m dreading every bit of it.  We arrive at home and my daughter rushes to the restroom, me following behind.  I begin the exhausting process of explaining exactly how this product is to be used and the normality of it all.  I have “the” talk with my daughter about the importance of crossing the little girl to young lady threshold and I stress the importance of being careful in any situation she may be presented with.  I have to remind myself several times that, regardless of her age, her young mindset, HER body has began to transform itself to that of a young lady.

I can’t help but shed a few tears, my little girl is growing up, and dammit I think I handled it pretty damn well.

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I Need To Lose Weight and My Daughter is Brutally Honest

13 Jul

fat lady

I love to say that I have the best kids in the world, and I do, but sometimes they can seriously be brutally honest, and many times it is in the most unexpected places or at unimagined times.  Parents, I’m sure  you know what I’m talking about, when your kids blurt out in public that you farted, or say something awkward at family gatherings.  Sometimes though, it is in the comfort of your own home, yes, comfort, but your little terrors turn it into anything but comfort.  Most recently my 5 year old enlightened me on two different facts.  Here is what I am referring to.

This past week I had my younger sister staying with me so that my kids can stay home in place of going to daycare.  Being the great hostess that I am I offered my little sister my bedroom to sleep in, which meant I had to sleep on a small, rather unforgiving twin bed, while my sister enjoyed my plush, memory foam, queen-sized bed.  Our little house was built many years ago so the floor plan is a little odd.  The only restroom in our house is situated next to my daughters’ bedroom so that you have to go through my bedroom, then my daughters’ bedroom in order to get to the bathroom-I have a point, I promise.  Okay, so earlier this week I had just finished taking a wonderful and steamy shower, getting ready to go to hell (this is in reference to my job) and I stepped out into my daughters’ room to get dressed (I hate getting dressed in the restroom, it’s too hot and sticky in there).   I was going on about my business, fully naked, beginning to dress myself, when out of nowhere I heard a rather deep and raspy, yet sweetly innocent voice say, “Remember mommy, you have two bellies”.  After recovering from a slight heart attack due to an unsuspecting voice too early in the morning, I turned to my 5 year old, and saw two small, stubby fingers being held up.  She re-uttered, “Two bellies mommy, two”.  Even though I felt a slight pang in my heart I mustered up the strength to laugh and try to argue in my defense that I had one belly shaped in two.  Nope, this eerily smart 5 year old was not buying it.  I was defeated.  Hence I learned two things that day…I have an extremely honest and blunt 5 year old, and I seriously need to lose weight if my 5 year old is able to see in darkness the shape of her mother.  I am now currently in the market for an elliptical and a great exercise video.

Boobs! A 5 Year Old’s Wish, A Mom’s Displeasure

6 Jul

Gran

Boobs.  It’s a simple word when used in the right context, hilarious when it comes out of the mouth of a 5 year old.  That’s right.  My silly 5 year old is now completely aware of the word boobs and she knows exactly when to say the word.

The other day I came home from work in a rush in order to get ready for a family outing.  I think every parent out there, mainly moms, know that once you have kids your privacy has pretty much gone extinct.  Seriously, I can’t pee or poop, (yes I said the word poop), without having both my daughters staring at me sitting on a very restful and comforting toilet, and they stand there carrying on conversations with me while I stare back at them thinking, “please just let me get this 2 or 3 minutes of peace”.  Nope, not going to happen.  Anyways, so I was in my room changing from my horrid, smelly work uniform into a more appealing evening blouse when my 5 year old walks in and catches me in mid-shirt removal.  She stares at me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes and utters “mom I wish I had boobs like you”.   I stared down at her and let out a hysterical laugh and told her “No you don’t, they are not as fun as you think they are”.   Us top-heavy moms know exactly what I’m talking about with that statement right?  The evil looks and remarks from women who are not as “blessed”, the horrible backaches while washing dishes and not to mention the expensive maintenance they require (those damn $40 bras that I can’t even buy at Victoria’s Secret because they don’t carry my size).   Not fun at all when I am subjected to buying bras at a different store or online because they are considered “special” sizes.

I’m not sure how any of you moms handle a situation such as this?  Do you laugh it off? Do you ignore it?  Do you actually take time to explain to your 5 year the UNIMPORTANCE of boobs at their age?  I seriously want to educate mine on their displeasure, but I think I will wait a few more years for that.  For now I will have to find a way to deal with the lack in privacy and the onslaught of other questions that are to come from a very inquisitive 5 year old.

Playing With Teeth and Acting Like Dogs

2 Jul

teeth

I love being a mom, a single one at that.  There is rarely a dull moment in my life when it comes to my children.  Every day is always an adventure, a memory, a story of some sort.  Today it just happened to be playing with teeth and acting like dogs.  The following was a quick conversation between my son and I:

Son:  Mom, did you see where I put my tooth?

Me:  Your sister was playing with it. (In a nonchalant voice)

Short and simple right?  But in retrospect this is actually quite hilarious, and gross if you are pretty sensitive to certain things.  I mean seriously, who plays with teeth?  The funny thing is that these are normal conversations in my household.  I am never bored, not always happy, but never bored.

dog on leash

In other news, as I’m getting ready for bed I get on my computer and begin this post, my 5 year old has a makeshift leash (a belt) tied around my 8 year olds jeans and is dragging her around, while my 8 year old barks like a dog.  Do I even turn to acknowledge what they are doing?  Do I tell them to stop because it’s not right to be crawling around acting like dogs and being dragged?  Not one bit.  My 5 year old can’t do that much damage and if it keeps them from bugging me for a few minutes so that I can work on this post then I welcome dog behavior any day.   This leaves me to wonder what’s in store for tomorrow.  Good night everyone.

Car Shopping Like Grocery Shopping?

20 Jun

car shopping

See that car in the basket, I wish it was that simple.  Why can’t buying a car be like choosing milk and eggs at a grocery store?  I mean seriously.  Because of this irresponsible driver that rammed into my van and totaled it last week I have been in the market for a new or used car, no preferences whatsoever.  However, it seems that I have a better chance at becoming the next playboy bunny at Hugh Hefner’s mansion, and let me just say, I do NOT have the body of a playboy bunny.  For the last week I have been searching online, filling out applications, speaking to salesman who promise me the best deal only to receive no return phone call.  I do have money for a down payment, maybe not enough in their eyes for it seems like nowadays unless you are a millionaire they expect you to handover your next two month’s worth of paychecks to qualify for even a semi decent vehicle.  I’m not picky at all.  All I want is something a little roomy to accommodate myself and my three children.  Is that so much to ask?  I work in the car business and it is nowhere near as difficult to finance with us.  However, for reasons I am keeping confidential, I choose to forego purchasing at the dealership I work at.  Today I was able to test drive two vehicles but it was late in the afternoon, so unfortunately I will have to go through another restless night and wait until tomorrow to hear a decision.  This has been one of the toughest weeks at work and I foresee a bottle of some sort of hard liquor in the near future to recuperate.  Not only have I had to borrow a friend’s car for the past week, but we are undergoing an audit at work all the while having to attend physical therapy in the afternoons every day.  I only hope a great weekend is to come and that I may have a vehicle of my own once again.  Nevertheless, I have remained strong through it all not only for myself, but for my children whom I am doing my best to keep out of all the stresses going on in my life right now. They are after all my innocent babies.

The Typewriter

17 Jun

typewriterTypewriter?  Does anyone remember these dinosaurs?  Yesterday I was sitting in my cozy living room watching “My Girl” with my children and the scene in which Dan Akroyd is typing up an obituary and Jamie Lee Curtis walks in popped up.  Out of nowhere my 8 year old yells “what the heck is that”?   I laughed out loud and explained to her that a typewriter is a laptop to her now, and it was our “laptop” back then.  With a stunned look on her face, she turned to me and asked “seriously”?  My 8 year old has a way of making me feel like a 100 year old relic.  So I proceeded to “educate” my daughter and explain to her that the world evolves and we evolve with it.  I explained how there were no cell phones, tablets, ipods, Xboxes,  or internet back then.  Her big, beautiful wide eyes are all I needed to reassure me that I am not getting any younger in this world.  One of these days I will probably introduce my children to the world of black and white box televisions, typewriters, Nintendo and the beeper.   I’m not sure how well that will sit with them, but I think it is important for them to know what was versus what is.  This may or may not teach them a thing or two about valuing what they have for it wasn’t always so advanced.   I think about the future and wonder what else it can possibly evolve into.   What else can technology throw at us?  Whatever it is I know my kids will be glad it’s not the typewriter.

Summer Break is Here! Oh no!

3 Jun

closedforsummer_color

Mondays are always hectic for me, and today was no exception.  In fact, if I had to rate my Monday it would rate a 15 on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being the highest!  Not only did I have to deal with accounting nightmares at work but it just happened to be the first full weekday in which my kids were out for summer break.  Walking in the door I was greeted with a houseful of clutter, as if tripping over toys in the morning when I’m half asleep isn’t enough, now I walk in and my laptop along with the charger are on the floor.  Shoes are all over the living room, my remotes are scattered across the living room, my kitchen looks like a category 5 hurricane overpowered it and the cat is whining at the top of it’s lungs.  Oh yes, summer is here in full effect and with brutal force.

 

So I immediately walk in and meticulously tip-toe through my living room as if there are hidden land mines and proceed to the kitchen to begin washing dishes.  As I’m washing the mount Everest of dishes that are in my sink I ask my kids what they would like to eat for dinner.  I had already taken out some pork chops earlier in the morning with the intent of making that with some mashed potatoes but my kids obviously had something else in mind.  They settled on hot dogs with fried potatoes.  I know I know, not very healthy is what you are thinking, but honestly I let them choose about once a week and the rest of the time they are subjected to my horrible cooking.   I chose to  make them happy today.  Anyways, so as I was done washing the dishes I went ahead and prepared “dinner” and made what I thought were going to be fried potatoes but they came out rather mushy (too much oil I guess).   I served dinner and proceeded to give each of my kids their glass of juice.  If any of you have read in my “About Illiana” section you would know that my 8 year is somewhat of a hardcore tomboy.  So I went ahead and served her in a princess cup and she gave me the “are you serious” look.  My response to that look was “What? It’s not like they are going to jump out and grab you”, in which she proceeded to laugh hysterically.  Now my 8 year old being the outspoken thing that she is poked her potatoes around and said “what the heck kind of potatoes are these”?  Ahhh!!!! Can I catch a break??? She hates the cup, hates the potatoes…geez!  Well whatever, let’s just say she only ate the hotdog and the potatoes became a 2nd helping for me.

After dinner I settled down in time to start watching the Pacers/Heat game (which is actually still going on right now) and in the middle of it I decided to make some chocolate chip cookies.  So there I am along with my handsome and helpful son, preparing the cookie dough batter when we realize we have no baking soda or powder.  That question I asked earlier “can I catch a break”, seems not.  Ah, what the heck.  We decided to go ahead and make them anyway.  I mean shoot, dinner was already horrible might as well end dessert the same way right?  So cookies have baked and they aren’t the best cookies in the world.  They ended up looking like cookie balls instead.  Ooops.  They were sweet so we ate them anyway, you know, something to cleanse the palate.

I would like to mention that during this entire time our 4 week old kitten has been whining at the top of it’s lungs with somewhat of a pathetic look on it’s face.  Charlie, our kitten, is hungry but for reasons personal to himself he would rather starve.  Apparently he doesn’t like the fact that I have switched him from mushy (he would have loved the potatoes) to solid food.  So for the last two days he has been starving himself with only taking sips of milk and turning his nose up at the solid food in his bowl.  As much as my kids are pleading with me to give him something mushy I will not give in.  At last, this is something I can have some control over.  Sorry Charlie, literally.

So as my 5 year old walks away swinging Charlie around as if he was a baton I leave you with a thought, what kind of summer will  you have?  Will it be swinging, starving cats?  Children that hate your cooking?  Chocolate chip balls?  A daily cluttered house?  Whatever it is make the best of it for they are the best memories you will ever have of and with your children.

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My Single Wish as a Mother Any Day! :D

2 Jun

pee

Invisible Ear Plug Syndrome

27 May

ear plugs

Are there any other mommies out there who seem to have contracted a disease called the “invisible ear plug syndrome”.   It exists I promise.  It may not be a medically relevant term or have been added to Webster’s Dictionary, but I plan on adding it to the Urban Dictionary.

I believe this disease mainly affects moms of multiple children, for we often fall victim to hearing the words:  mom, mommy, mama, or mother, several times a day from ALL of our children at the exact same time.  Hence, we end up developing the “invisible ear plug syndrome” in which we subconsciously drowned out only the above referenced “mom, etc.” words and proceed to having selective hearing (usually what we are watching on TV).  I for one have had this disease for the longest time and at no point in my life plan to find a cure.  Although diseases can be harmful, I find this one to be very helpful at certain times, times when I am watching my favorite soap with a hot actor, or when I am reading a juicy book and I am at the climax point (the height of the book, not the other one you pervs).

Unfortunately this disease comes and goes, for there comes a certain time when after so many “mommies” your brain has been overpowered and you are forced to look up and yell  eerily similar to Lois from “Family Guy”  WHAT!!!  At that point one of two things can happen:  (1) your child says or asks for something that did require your attention and you end up feeling guilty, or (2) your child had nothing meaningful to say and you go on about perfecting the “invisible ear plug syndrome”.  Either way, I hope I am not the only one out there with this disease, or I have failed as a mother.

How Old Do Our Kids Really Think We Are?

27 May

90s

I just got back from picking up my two older, wonderful, extremely outspoken children from school.  My little one had been asking for a snack all day long while we were at home being lazy on this special Memorial Day.  Upon picking up my children I decided to stop at the store and out of the kindness of my heart buy them each a snack, as well as myself in anticipation of tonight’s Spurs game.  Once we were done traversing every aisle for the best of the best basketball game snacks, I paid for the items and we went on our merry way.   During our drive home I distinctly heard Salt N Pepa’s “Shoop” song playing on the radio, mind you the radio was really low, but these ears of mine can pick any popular song right away.  So what did a 31 year old mother do upon hearing this early 90’s hit? Yep, I blared the radio and began singing it at the top of my lungs trying to do some moves in the car as well (although not successfully).  I turned to my kids and tried to get them to join in, however, upon looking at their skeptical faces it dawned on me that they know NOTHING about this era of ever so popular music.  At that point my son looked at me and asked “Isn’t this from the 1960’s”?  I couldn’t have been more insulted!  I go through this pretty much on a daily basis, in which my kids sincerely believe that I am some sort of dinosaur, a relic from the 19th century and I come to the realization that it’s only going to get worse.  They haven’t even hit their teenage years yet.  Oh boy!

old lady

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