Hidden Tears

21 May

hidden tears

I secretly have hidden tears.  I keep them bottled up inside where no one but me knows they are there.   I cannot subject my precious, innocent children to the ramblings of an overworked, underpaid, super-stressed single mother.    I tell myself to keep my job because of my children.  Who will provide for them if not me?  But is my sanity really worth it?  Lately my mind has not been able to focus on just one thing because there have been so many inter-company structural changes that it cannot fathom how to grasp just one thing.  I sit at my desk trying to work, getting the easy things out of the way, pushing the challenging tasks to the far side out of my reach.  They sit there until I am mentally ready to take on the daunting task of figuring things out of my own.  I stare at the clock hoping it’s time to leave this impermanent prison of mine so that I may see those whom I adore,  my babies, the only ones that can offer me any type of comfort in a situation such as this.  Their simple hugs, smiles and voices temporarily make me forget what lies in wait  for me the very next day.  So for the time being my tears will remain invisible, until I am able to find a way to get my mind focused and make a decision.   Should I stay or should I go?

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4 Responses to “Hidden Tears”

  1. suzie81 May 21, 2013 at 6:27 PM #

    You sound like an extremely strong person. Do you mean stay or leave your job?

    • proudsinglemama May 21, 2013 at 6:35 PM #

      Hello, first let me thank you for liking my post and for commenting. Yes I mean stay or leave my job. It is very stressful, pay has not been increased yet workload has. My mind is going crazy trying to figure out what to do. Move and get a less paying job that won’t fully support myself and my 3 kids or stay and find a way to deal with what I have? It’s very difficult.

      • suzie81 May 21, 2013 at 6:40 PM #

        I can’t imagine how tough that must be… I’ve recently been in the lucky position where I can cut back my hours without financially crippling myself, but I don’t have children. For my sanity, it’s been a godsend… Is there any way of being able to work part time and having benefits supplement your income?

  2. proudsinglemama May 21, 2013 at 7:00 PM #

    Unfortunately probably not. Having three children is extremely expensive on so many levels, which is why I have been at this job. I don’t have assistance from anyone else and I am about to lose my benefits. Nonetheless, I know my kids come first and making sure they have their most important needs is my responsibility. For now I will probably just take it one day at a time, assess my options maybe in a month and see if I can many necessary changes then. Thank you so much for your input on this by the way. 🙂

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